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Once upon a time, I was a confident, out going person. I didn't have to wear make-up to make me feel like I was beautiful or valid, I just knew. I wouldn't let anyone say a bad word about me and if anyone did, I wouldn't take it to heart. I don't know if that's because I was young and wasn't quite exposed to the pressures and standards of today's society, or because an old boyfriend stripped every inch of self belief and confidence from me which I haven't quite finished gluing back. I was self assured, driven and laid back.

Fast forward to now and in my head, I feel as though i'm uptight - especially with Shane, I take his jokes to heart and get offended and upset, I feel I've lost motivation because I'm not 100% confident about my writing and letting people read it and I seem to doubt and over think every little aspect of myself now rather than being comfortable in my own skin.

It's only recently risen to the surface though, a few months back I attended the Freeway Poets event and I had to leave within an hour or two because I felt panicky and flustered. Since then, when I go out anywhere other than work, I get the same feeling. I usually have to buy a bottle of water and take my coat off to make myself feel a little better. I don't know why I feel this way -  I'm not thinking or worrying about anything - it just kind of happens. It makes me feel uneasy and not normal. I feel like something is wrong with me and I don't want that. I want to feel okay when I leave the house to go food shopping. I want to be able to go to events and not have to leave because I can't breathe properly. I want to feel confident and self assured like I was once before.

I don't know what I'm getting out of writing this post, but ever since I was a kid, I've always had to write my thoughts and feelings down so I guess here we are. If anyone has any advice, let us know - it would be much appreciated.

1 comment

  1. Sounds like you got a bit of anxiety xx