A Declaration of Love

06/06/2016

love, self love, self care



Okay, so I'm aware this isn't an opinion on a universal question, nor is it a review, but I feel this needs to be said sooner rather than later. Truth be told, I feel like a bit of an imposter: rambling on about the importance of loving yourself but lately I've seldom practised what I've been preaching.


Once upon a time I learnt to love myself after a mentally abusive relationship but somethings happened. Somewhere along the line, I just.. stopped. You see, I always worry about not being enough: not interesting enough, not lively enough, not adventurous enough. So I cower away, shutting down parts of myself so no one but me can see them. I shut them down because I feel open to attack, my most vulnerable, like these traits and factors of my personality could tear me from the inside out if they were ever to be seen by the human eye of another. I've come to realise, though, that the parts of myself that I shut down
- my quirks - are what makes me interesting.
I do funny voices when I say something sarcastic, but it's usually followed by a silence so I don't do it anymore - I shut it down because I guess I want people to like me? I'm very opinionated but got told I come across like a bitch so I try not to do that anymore. I try to hold in my opinions unless I truly feel my input is needed - it never is.

Along the way, somehow, I stopped loving myself. I'm not sure how or where or when, but it has come apparent to me that I've lost a lot of love that I had for myself.

I'm cranky and irritable these days, I'm surprised bae puts up with me. But then thoughts like that create a vicious cycle of not feeling good enough. I'm irritable because I'm always on edge: I'm constantly anxious that I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke, and because I believe what you put into the universe you will get out of it, I get more anxious that I'm upping my chances of it happening 'cause I keep thinking about it. Anxiety crippling my brain also making me think everyone's going to leave because they're bored of me - I walk around limp and closed off. I've always longed to be loose yet I remain uptight? I show no life or character because I'm scared people won't take me for who I am. But then I don't care if they do or not. That's the confusing part: I don't care what other people think yet I still hide parts of myself in fear of others judgements. I know, it makes no sense to me either. 

I think that's the main point of this blog: to be as authentic as I can. To show all of myself in hope it will give me strength to show all of myself in real life, too: my sense of humour which is an acquired taste, my thoughts, my true emotions, my experiences that maybe I'd be too reserved to tell in real like but feel they serve a purpose here, on my blog - too good not to be told, too good to go to waste.

I think what I'm tryin' to say is this is my declaration, I'm going to start loving myself again. No more putting on makeup in the mirror and going "ugh I look fucking shit" and letting it ruin the tone of the entire day, instead I will remind myself that the love in my heart and the compassion in my soul overrides how good or bad my eyebrows and lipstick are. So yes, today is the day I love myself again. Today is the day where I become my true self once more. My fingertips are tingling and my stomach full of excitement. I cannot wait for this next adventure!

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4 comments

  1. Yasssssss!!! Get it, girl! Be unashamed of who you are and realize how wonderful you are. All those little bits and pieces of you that may be "less beautiful" are still part of the work that you are. They are just as important as the parts you like. Love yourself fully and grab life by the balls! XOXO

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    1. yaaaas you're right bree! Definitely been showing myself some lovin' since this post and it's helped massively!
      ( that sounds right dirty lol )
      xxxx

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  2. A great declaration! I think we all need to remember this sometimes... I've definitely come by the "bitch" comment more than a few times in my life. But I realized it's okay to know what I like and give my opinion. And anyone who thinks that I'm being bitchy, well that's their problem not mine. I really enjoyed this post and wish you (and us all) luck in learning to love yourself!

    Amber
    amberbutbetter.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Amber! I'm glad you enjoyed the post! xx

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