Dear Diary, I started therapy

26/08/2016


Caro amico, 

I wrote my first “Dear Diary” post last week telling you I’m starting therapy. Well, it happened.
I wrote that I would share my journey with you, I don’t know if you’ll find this post boring but I’ve found it really helpful to write down. It gives me a chance to reflect on the meeting and to concrete what I learnt and what I have to work on.

Tuesday morning Shane and I woke up to the scorching sun shining through our windowpanes. We had a few errands to run before my appointment so we got up and dressed then ventured out. We sorted everything we needed to so we jumped on the bus to my therapy appointment stopping for food on the way cause lol I’m greedy.
We walked through into the community hall, it smelt like charity shops, old libraries and like a church I used to visit when I was younger with my primary school, and I sat in the big comfy armchair. Shane started a sudoku which I quickly joined in with before my therapist came to collect me. I felt a bit like Dorothy in the return to oz when she gets strapped to the bed and they wheel her away. She lead me to an empty room: only a desk and two chairs were placed in the corner. I anxiously took a seat and waited for her to sit too. Once we were all settled and awkwardly exchanged small talk, she carried out the required risk assessment: 
Have I self-harmed before? Yes.
Did I ever go to the hospital for it? No.
Have I ever been suicidal? No.
Am I suicidal now? No.
Have I thought about how I would kill myself? No.

I giggle at a few questions because I’m nervous, I try to justify it by stating they’re actually important questions if someone feels that way. With that over and done with she draws a chart and labels “Triggers/Physical/Emotional/Behaviour” and we talk through my health anxiety – what could have brought it on, the symptoms I have when I’m anxious, how I feel about my anxiety and what actions I take to combat it which I then found out were actually avoidant strategies
It opened my eyes a lot if I’m honest, I didn’t think it would help me but I knew I needed to give it a go and I’m so glad I have. I realised that even though I have read so many self-help books and I try to practise the general exercises (positive affirmations, meditation, challenge my own thoughts, catch negative self-talk etc.) I revert back to my old ways if something makes me anxious. For example, I won’t drink my tea if the cup hasn’t been swirled out with the boiling kettle water, I try to combat this by not doing it but then I take a sip, my throat closes up and I start panicking so I don’t drink the rest. What I need to do, is fight through the symptoms to show my brain that lol it’s not a threat, I’m not going to die, everything is fine. As soon as I revert back to “I’m not drinking this cause it makes me anxious” it condones my actions and implies it’s correct behaviour when it isn’t.

Since Tuesday I’ve been drinking my tea without swirling it out, I’ve been tasting it first, I used to get Shane to try it first cause yanno, if I die from it, he dies too lmao, and I haven’t been logging what I eat in my ‘MyFitnessPal’ app I’m worried about getting diabetes and having a heart attack so I track the amount of fat and sugar that enters my body – so far I’ve not been too anxious about it, at the start it was hard but it’s getting easier. 

Today is Thursday, I'm sat in my old works cafe because our internet is still out although I did sort out the Sky and now I'm officially an adult with a broadband subscription. It's my first time out without Shane since my anxiety got bad and I'm doing alright. It makes me sort of sad to admit that Shane is my comfort blanket, he's so great and patient with me but I feel bad that I put that pressure on him - this is one thing I spoke about in my therapy session and it made me cry lol. I'm going roller disco skating with my friend which I'm dead excited about and then we'll probably grab some food cause yanno, I'm trying to get rid of my avoidant strategies and logging my food is one of them so I'm trying to eat more and not keep log of it.

My next session is on Friday and I'm looking forward to it, it feels good that I'm finally getting help and taking positive steps towards a better life. 

I'm sorry if you've found this boring, I was going to fancy it up and be really descriptive etc but I thought that would take away the rawness and authenticity of it qall so I decided against it. 

4 comments

  1. This wasn't boring at all. I'm happy to hear you're taking these steps and I really hope therapy will help you :) sounds like Shane is being an amazing support! x

    Sara’sChapters

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Yeah he has been so supportive and amazing! x

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  2. This wasnt boring at all, therapy is a huge step and something to b e proud of for even going, im glad youre already making little changes, little steps, it can only get better from here x

    Dana
    Fashion Dew

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad it didn't bore you and definitely small baby steps all the way! xx

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