Monday Blues: Don't give up

19/09/2016

monday blues, monday,sad

I was going to post a video today instead of a post, but I recorded it and I'm not happy with it so it's put me in a bit of a bad mood and I'm like a child when I throw a tantrum so I'm just putting that idea away for now and maybe come back to it tomorrow when I'm feeling a bit better so I don't quite know what this post is going to be about now, I'm listening to Kate Bush & Peter Gabrial - Don't give up and I'm crying because it makes me think of my Bamps.


I think I was about 14 and I was going through a shit time back then: depressed and self-harming. It was a gloomy night, the moon illuminating my room as my phone buzzed - it was my Bamps. I opened the text and glowing back at me were the lyrics "don't give up, you still have us" I started to cry because I hadn't spoken to them much recently: I didn't like speaking to them when I was unhappy because I didn't want to make them sad or worried but looking back on it, I think I just made them think I didn't want to speak to them at all and didn't love them as much anymore - I'm sure they didn't think that but it worries me that they did, because that's worse.

Since then, one of the biggest things that upset's me is feeling like I don't speak to my nan and Bamps enough. Nowadays, I speak to them pretty much every week, but when I go to see them I feel I don't talk a lot. Not because I don't want to speak to them, but because I just generally don't talk much - I'm much better at writing shit down than I am talking because I'm a very sensitive, emotional person who likes talking about deep emotional things, but I almost always cry - especially when it comes to expressing my love towards my nan and Bamps. I always worry that they think I don't appreciate them or don't care because that isn't the case at all. I have snot literally hanging from my nose whilst this song plays on repeat it's pretty gross lol. I know it's my head making shit up because they know I love them and they love me unconditionally, but when your mind makes shit like that up and you're feeling sad anyway, you tend to believe it.
Don't give up, you still have us. Don't give up now, we're proud of who you are. Don't give up, you know it's never been easy. Don't give up
I had a pretty shit start to life and my Nan and Bamps made it all okay. They literally did EVERYTHING in and out of their power to make sure my brother and I had as good as life as possible, regardless of what was going on back then. My Bamps was like a real life superhero, saving the innocent from destruction. It's crazy because to me, they're all just stories - fascinating, heartbreaking stories about my past where I was too young to remember thankfully, but to them, it was real life - they lived it. They remember it: the heartbreak, the fighting, the hurt. I wish I could show them how grateful I am because I don't think I'd be alive without them.

I'm going to stop writing now because I have to take Nala to the vet in half an hour and I've just redone my makeup so I don't want to ruin it again cause lol I looked like something out of a Tim Burton film. Gino kindly made me a cuppa tea, I don't think he saw the crying though thank god, and then I'm going to get into bed and watch soppy films and probably cry more cause it feels like a crying day today. Usually, I love Mondays but today, today I need to stay in bed.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far lol, hope I haven't put a downer on your day sorry if I have. I think I needed that big cry and I even blew my first ever snot bubble which is both gross and pretty impressive cause it was HUGE! anyway, Wednesday will be a better post, promise!

PS. If you're reading this nan&bamps, please don't phone me asking about it, text me so I can cry alone lol
PPS. Other grandparents & mum - this isn't meant to disregard you guys it's literally how I'm feeling today.

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2 comments

  1. 'I'm better at writing shit down than I am at talking' - I'm exactly the same because I often struggle with really expressing my thoughts when I'm talking. Writing is so so much easier :) Your grandparents sound like the most wonderful people, I'm pretty aure they do know how much you love them! x

    Sara’sChapters

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    1. I'm glad I'm not alone in that, I usually just cry because I'm a deeply emotional person lol, I agree, writing is waaaay easier! They are wonderful people, thank you for your kind words as always Sara big love to you! xx

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