A hideously messy existence - 2012

05/06/2017

A hideously messy existence - 2012


It was home for no more than 4 months, and yet it felt like a lifetime - ever changing and forever moving in one direction or another (usually down.) So much love was harvest within those four walls, but an equal amount of sadness and despair plagued the air between those four walls too.
I don't speak much about these times, nor have I ever written about them - I think that because it was such a sacred experience/time in my life where I learnt so much, it feels almost.. precious - and somehow, it feels as though there's an unwritten rule to not share the stories that lie within the timeline of these experiences with anyone other than those who bore witness or that were very much involved in the making of the memories.
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In so much destruction, anguish and despair there was always a bright light shining, pulling us through - up and towards what was coming next. It was stardust in a black hole hurtling into oblivion. It was the worst time of my life so far and yet, possibly the best, and it couldn't have been either without the other. Ying and yang. Good and bad. It was a time where I felt the purest form of happiness and yet I was constantly suffocating in a cloud of depression.
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It was the gifted Mc.Donalds that felt like heaven after living off of chocolate cake and 35p garlic bread, it was the bitter taste of burnt cake until you find the perfect cooking time and waking up to scrambled eggs and piercing blue eyes. A constant loop of Happy Feet and shaved chest hair. Hot baths in candlelight chatting with best friends who became family in such a short period of time. Blasting Cher in the mornings to get ready for another day that blurred into the rest, singing and dancing in bras, pants, hats and sunglasses and not noticing our friends who have walked through the door with our shopping stood in awe at the bizarre scene. Friends cooking for each other. Feeling fearless and as though anything is possible. Feeling invincible and noticing every detail of divine beauty the world graces us with - seeing every detail of divine beauty hidden in the depths of even the most broken of humans. Going through heartbreak whilst having so much love pumped into you that you forget the hurt. Going through heartbreak and releasing all this love you have fearlessly without judgement. Voices of Disney villains, floral chairs and weird attics you're still not sure how you got into. Dancing, laughing, crying and confusion - all in its hideously messy existence. Not ever wanting to relive the memories again and yet feeling so incredibly blessed that you experienced it in such a pure way and nothing could ever taint them because they're already completely tainted.
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