My mental health story - Depression & Anxiety

10/10/2017

My mental heath story - Depression & Anxiety


Apparently its world mental health day today or something? In light of that I think I'll just go on a tangent about my mental health story and see where it takes us. T/W: Self harm, anxiety & depression

This year was the year I finally got diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression, I say finally because I've been living with the ~disorders~  since I was around 13 when I got kicked out and moved to England.

My depression probably came about when I moved up to Bournemouth. I had to leave all my friends and family and I felt alone. I was scared about making new friends and old ones forgetting me and moving on with their lives. I had just started to feel a part of a proper friendship group back in Wales and I was going out with a boy who I really liked and then it was all ripped from me.

I was the typical emo kid; fringe over one eye, bracelets galore, the tightest skinnies known to man, the thickest eyeliner and loud angry music blasting in my ears all day and night. I had ~dabbled~ with self harming before I moved to Bournemouth but nothing too serious, just a couple of scratches here and there when I was feeling particularly down but when I moved it got prominently worse. I started cutting every day and it eventually turned into an addiction - I couldn't imagine my life with a different coping mechanism yanno?

I used to hide my cuts under my sweat bands and bracelets and hope no one would notice in P.E when I had to take them off but one day in school someone noticed which then resulted in my family getting notified and being sent to the school counsellor. I loved my counsellor, she was lovely but she didn't help in the slightest. She was trying to talk about my past which at the time wasn't the issue. The issues were in the present day but she ignored them and so, I kept self harming as a coping mechanism and still wasn't diagnosed. I suppose because I looked like the typical emo kid they just thought I was going through a 'phase' and would stop once I 'grew up' a little bit but unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

Fast forward a couple of years I stopped self harming because I didn't want to hide my body anymore, I didn't want to lie to my grandparents and I just wanted to be okay. I'm quite good at breaking habits so I stopped almost instantly. The thoughts were still there but I instead of cutting, I smoked instead (I know, a much better substitute lol) But even though the physicality's of my depression had stopped, the thoughts of worthlessness were still there, the snowballing of mood when one thing goes wrong was still there, the lack of enjoyment in everything was still there, the numbness was still there. But I ignored it all.

My mental heath story - Depression & Anxiety


I felt I was overreacting, being dramatic and maybe even attention seeking so I didn't get help.
My depression was very touch and go back then. I could have days on top of the world and days where if one little thing happened I would break down and not get out of bed for 3 days.
We're told depression is a constant - you can't possibly have happy days if you're depressed -  but that's not the case. You can still laugh and smile and feel some sort of happiness whilst depressed. You can even have a string of happy days whilst depressed, but it soon fades. The littlest thing can happen and you're back to square one after a week of feeling as though you're finally getting better.

February 2016 was the time my anxiety came into play. I wrote about it more in depth in this post but basically I had a panic attack out of nowhere and suddenly I was constantly anxious about my health. I had panic attacks every day for about a year. Thankfully it's a lot better now but it seems to have swapped places with my depression. To this day I can't eat with my hands, I don't try anything that I've not eaten/used before in case I'm allergic and I think I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke if I consume too much junk food.

My depression got pretty bad a couple of months ago, not for any particular reason, it just does that sometimes and so I was signed off work. I can hear my Nan ringing me now going "you never told us that!" but it's embarrassing. Everyone places such a high value on work - if you don't work you're a bum and ~worthless~ so I didn't want to tell anyone that I wasn't working due to being depressed. as there's still such a stigma around depression. People throw the word around when they're feeling a little sad, but it goes way past feeling a little sad. It's a bottomless pit of darkness where you can't see (and sometimes don't want to see ) a way out.

Thankfully my workplace are extremely supportive and have finally got me the diagnosis and the therapy that I need. I'm currently on session 4 and so far it seems to be going okay but we're upping the sessions to an hour rather than half an hour soon to see if that helps me any more.

This is a long ass post and thank you if you've read it all. It's not exactly an 'awareness' post but it's just a brief timeline of my depression. Maybe it'll help identify yours, maybe it'll help you recognise one of your loved ones are depressed. I don't know.

Here are some helpful websites if you or someone you know needs them:


♡ MIND
 MENTAL HEALTH MATES ANXIETY UK CALM RETHINK MENTAL ILLNESS YOUNG MINDS 

What do you need to ask for help with today?

1 comment

  1. Thanks for sharing your story. It's nice to know that people in your school were worried enough for you to report it. They were always changing my counselor so I never had anyone to tell my problems to.

    I haven't been properly diagnosed with either depression or anxiety however I definitely think I have one (or maybe even both) because I have the typical symptoms. I tend to bottle up everything because my family doesn't "believe" in mental illnesses and just think that because I'm angry and sad all the time is because I spend too much time inside my room. I work out and do things to make myself feel happier but sometimes those things just aren't enough. ♥

    mooeyandfriends.blogspot.com

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