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I am not fighting depression, I am living with it

I am not fighting depression, I am living with it


I am not fighting depression, I am living with it. I am not struggling, I am surviving.
Sometimes, surviving looks different, depending on the level of numbness I'm experiencing.
Sometimes, the living looks a lot more like already being dead. But I'm still breathing so that's a win in my book.

I am not "fighting" depression because it is not a battle I can ever completely "win" - I try not to dwell in my depression and I definitely try to help myself, but I know that I will never be 100% okay forever. That's something I have recently accepted, and so, by accepting this fact, it enables me to be a little more loving towards myself.

When I feel the darkness creeping in, I no longer berate myself for not "fighting hard (or long) enough," I just acknowledge that: Okay, I may not get out of bed at some point soon, and I might start to smell. Because when that wave of depression consumes you, showering is the last thing on your mind and getting dressed will take whatever energy you have left, so you best save it for going to the toilet when you can no longer hold it because otherwise, you will be a lot smellier than just not showering for a couple of days.

And really, that's what depression looks like. It's not staring wistfully out of a train window with a silent tear rolling down your face as you think to yourself "I am so alone."
It's not sitting on a lakeside with a cigarette and deciding to jump into the water just to ~feel~ something.
(I've tried it, it doesn't work. You get cold and the numbness of your toes now match the numbness in your entire being.)

Depression is not showering, brushing your teeth, combing your hair or practising any form of basic personal hygiene. It's not getting dressed for 3 days and only having enough energy to shovel junk food into your gob whilst you do anything you can that requires NO energy at all from bed (so basically, watch Netflix) all day until the days finally merge into one and you don't know the day nor the time.
It's sitting and staring at a wall for fuck knows how long and holding your pee in until you REALLY have to go, standing up and feeling dizzy because hey, you've not eaten or drank anything for fuck knows how long, so maybe whilst you're going to the toilet you should use this chance to get some food and water. Even when you do muster up the energy to make a tea or to get some food, you stand and stare and nothing passes through your brain in the process. 

You wake up at 10am and think fuck, half of my day is gone already, and then you look at the clock at it's 8pm and you think fuck, what have I done all day, and then you look at your phone to mindlessly scroll through social media some more and it's 2 am and you think Jesus fucking christ where has time gone? I hope my life isn't like this. Will I be stuck in this rut forever? I fucking hope not! And then your chest gets heavy, and your breathing increases and you get a tingling sensation in your arm and you think Holy fuck I'm gunna die, I don't want to die but maybe it wont be so bad if this is how I'm going to spend my life anyway. Then eventually, the tingling leaves and your breathing stabilizes and you know you're the only person who can change things but also how can you when you have to pep talk yourself to go to the fucking toilet.

We need to stop glamorising depression. A bath bomb ain't gunna cure it. Most of us can't "fight" it, it's a daily choice not to fucking die. It's a daily choice to find something to carry on for. Do not make it our fault for not "fighting" it better. 

I live with my depression and sometimes the living is more like dying but other times, the living is more like that feeling when you've been to the fun fair and you're wired on candyfloss and you don't want to shut your eyes for a second because you don't want to miss a thing, and so, I carry on.

4 comments

  1. You Brave brave girl. As heartbreaking as this post is, its actually rather beautiful in a sad way. Depression is so glamourised these days, that I think people have started to think its the norm, the next wanted trend almost. If only they knew ay... JUst keep fighting the fight, try not to succumb, and one day, even if its just for fivce minutes,hopefully it will all be worth it. x

    themakeupartistschoice.com

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  2. I can completely related to this. I heard somewhere before that you can never get rid of depression so you might as well learn how to live with it. ♥

    mooeyandfriends.blogspot.com

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  3. you write so beautifully and this was such a stunning (and very heartbreakingly true) depiction of depression. it really ain't all sad pinterest quotes...it's literally not leaving your bed for days. keep your chin up my love, brighter days are coming xxx

    katie. xx lacoconoire.com

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  4. As someone who also suffers from depression, this post really hit home. It's so well written, and honestly so relateable. (side note, your instagram images on the bottom of your site aren't working! just thought you'd like to know) xxx

    Melina | www.ivefoundwaldo.com

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