Arora Appleby. Powered by Blogger.

I want to care more about my life

I want to care more about my life


Yesterday, I was walking to work and my eyes started to prick with tears. I didn't know why, in fact, there wasn't a reason. I'm not really sure where this is going to take me - us - but just bear with me..


The darkness has been creeping in ever so slowly since the start of the month, I've felt unbearable loneliness and uncontainable happiness almost simultaneously these past 9 days. It's bizarre how slow, and yet quick, January has already gone/is going.  I hate going on about my mental health and depression for a few reasons:

♡ 1. I don't want it to be my entire identity.
♡ 2. I always feel like I'm ~attention seeking~ 
♡ 3. It's fucking boring.


Let's get real here, depression is boring as fuck. You (I) can't help it when you (I) stare at a fixed point on the wall for hours on end. Hell, you (I) don't even realise hours have passed and you've (I've) still not gotten out of bed. Sometimes, you (I) can't get out of bed all day. Other times, you fall back into bad habits; for me, it's smoking and drinking and neglecting my needs as an individual. I've been having a cigarette pretty much every day for the past week - I tell myself it's "fighting my anxiety" because this time last year I would have a panic attack just thinking about 4000 different harmful chemicals going into my body and now I do it willingly. But if we're being honest here, it's because frankly, I don't care..

I was speaking to my friend the other day who gets irritated by small things because he cares a massive amount about everything in his life (which is both really good and sort of bad in my eyes) and I was telling him that he gets annoyed because he cares so much and I hardly ever get annoyed because I don't care about things as much as I probably ~should~.

Ever since I was a kid I always said I don't think I'll make it past 30 years old. I don't know why I thought or said this but ever since I can remember, I've felt that way. Maybe that plays a part subconsciously? I've never planned my future per se because I've never felt like I have a long-term future (fuck that's bleak) and I've never been able to shake that feeling. Maybe my depression is getting worse the closer I get to my predicted end-of-life? But is it, then, also making me make the most of life. (Disclaimer: I have no doubt in my mind that I will, in fact, live past 30, I'm not going to intentionally make that prediction come true, it's just a feeling I've always had.) 

Anyway, I've been planning my days and my weeks since the start of January and I the planner I have (2018 MiGoals Goaldigger planner) is making me actually look to the future and make long-term goals and plans which is helping me see that actually, it's probably sensible to have a general plan or goal. I've never had a proper achievable goal before, I've never seen the point in setting them but now, I'm here for it. 100%. 

I have no idea what the point of this post was/is. Maybe somewhere to share my feelings? I mean, that is why I started this blog in the first place. I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to care about my life and I don't know if I don't because of some weird feeling I've had since a child or because of my depression or both? I suppose, then, the difference between this year and all of my previous years on this earth is that I actually want to make a change. I want to live my best life and become my best self. I want to care and so, I will. I will try to live each moment mindfully. Truly analyze myself: my thoughts, my actions and every in-between moment.

Have you guys ever felt like this/something similar? 

3 comments

  1. The point was talking - because talking has so much more value than we can ever know at the time. I was in tears halfway through this, just wanting to reach out of the screen and give you a hug and say 'it can be okay.' i can relate to that all-too-horrible cloud of depression. Just earlier today, i found out that i'd gotten an interview for a primary PGCE and felt... NOTHING. I felt empty and i didn't understand.

    So I read over old blog posts, where i talked about how excited i was to teach. I looked at my motivations and realised that, deep down, SOPHIE did care. Depression didn't, but depression isn't sophie. I guess reading old posts reminded me of this and i don't know if you could do the same?

    I also find it helps me to celebrate the little things in life, whether it's cuddling an animal or reading a favourite childhood book. A cup of tea, an act of self-care. Even the smallest things can matter in that moment, but it's okay to cry. It's OKAY to have moments where the cloud feels greater than you. Just know it isn't forever xxxx

    Bumble and Be

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel the same. I can literally sleep all day or sit and stare at the walls in my room all day not because I don't have anything but because I don't see what the point of doing anything. I'm lost. Confused.

    I'm someone who cares so much about other people and things around me but not when it comes to myself. I've been hurt many times but the person hurting me the most is myself. I need to care more about myself. ♥

    mooeyandfriends.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so proud of you. I'm so glad you're planning your month in order to get out of your funk. I suffer from depression also, so I know exactly what you're talking about. One thing that's really helped me get out of that blah funk, is to start working out. It honestly helps more than you ever know. It really puts me in a good mood, and motivates me to do more after the gym. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can't give up. You got this love xxx

    Melina | www.ivefoundwaldo.com

    ReplyDelete