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January diary entries 2018

January diary entries 2018

I started a diary on January 1st because I wanted to document each day, no matter how mundane.
I then thought "Hey! Lets broadcast the most vulnerable bits to the internet" so at the end of each month I will be sharing snippets from my diary - not the boring ~I worked all weekend so I haven't written much but hey I've started smoking again~ parts, but parts like the ones down below


It's 2018! I'm super excited for this year, it feels like it's going to be an important one for me. I have direction and goals and
I really want to rebuild my life and make it how I want it to be. I planned to start the new year by waking up refreshed from an early night but that didn't really go to plan. I met up with a guy I'd not seen since school (7 years ago) and we paid £20 entry into Lost. We danced and talked and laughed. I entered the new year in complete happiness and I wouldn't have asked for a better way to start 2018.


I was telling my friend earlier how I think 2018 is the year of finding out who I am and what I want/need in a relationship.
I think this year it's important to embrace and welcome the loneliness because the sooner I do, the sooner I will start to enjoying time by myself with my thoughts.


Tonight, I feel lonely. I've been writing about the day *** told me he cheated on me with ***. I don't want that relationship back and I'm not sure I want a serious relationship at all right now but it's making me long for a stable one in the future. I want to be strong enough to walk away from any bullshit. I want to be loved the way I deserve to be loved. But first, I have to love myself that way. If I don't, I'll just continue to accept the (unsatisfying) love I've previously been offered. Being alone is scary and hard but it will be worth it...hopefully.


I'm sat alone in a cafe I've not visited for 5 years. I'm feeling a mixture of contentment and loneliness right now. Sitting alone is quite confronting; I keep catching myself feeling insecure and using negative self-talk and I'm feeling uncomfortable within myself and I don't know why. [...] I miss what-could-have-been; not what is. I think that in itself is important to remember. I'm on this journey and yes it will get lonely and yes I will get sad, but I need to ride it out to become stronger; to become the person I am meant to be.


Mon Amour,
I wish we could mend what is broken but we can't because you no longer wish to. I wish things were different, but they aren't. And so, my life will remain a little darker without you in it. I will forever tolerate you, ♏.


It's the super blood blue moon eclipse tonight, I went into town to buy some crystals to charge through the moonbeams and they seem to be working already! I've been ill the past week so I've not written anything for a while, although, I have watched 9 out of 10 seasons of Friends so I guess that's an accomplishment I shouldn't brag about. A dear friend has come back to me, if only slightly. I'm hoping we can rebuild the friendship again because it was a very unique bond we shared: it was as if our souls recognised each others. [...] I set a boundary earlier, something I'm not familiar with. A friend crossed a line and so I explained to them how that behaviour is no longer welcome in my life. It felt empowering to do so, not in a malicious way but as an act of self-care. I promised myself I would diddycrop the negativity out of my life, and so I stuck to that promise.

1 comment

  1. It takes a lot of courage to share such journal entries on the internet. I used to do this a couple of months ago but then stopped because I'm a bit of an introverted person and didn't feel comfortable continuing to talk about these things. I hope this is more of a relieving exercise for you and that 2018 becomes a better year. It's good that you're putting yourself first now. Best wishes xx
    Kanra Khan

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