Arora Appleby. Powered by Blogger.

Depression sucks.

depression sucks, mental health, mh, depression, sad


I woke up from a strange dream; I was in a hotel, one that i had been to before in a different dream, there was a large pool and two girls who pretended to be my friend,
I had met them before too, in another dream, and they wanted me to go in the pool with them so I started to empty out my pockets. I pulled out two books, pens, my cigarettes, a lighter and two phones. I stripped off my jacket and jeans so I was left wearing pants and a very see-through white top. I turned to do something and when I turned back the girls were running away with my clothes and I later found out they had taken my phone and cigarettes too. I searched around this familiar hotel and found their room - I could hear laughter and not-so nice comments about myself. I felt really small and too afraid to go in and confront them so I walked off sad and self conscious.

I woke up feeling self conscious and sad - it probably connects to my dream but there's no reasoning behind these real life emotions, surely it's silly to waste a day feeling insecure and sad because that's how I was made to feel by made up characters in a fictional story my mind created whilst asleep? I can't seem to shake the feeling though. I don't want to speak to anyone or be around anyone or do anything at all because I don't feel confident or ~enough~ right now.

I don't feel worthy of peoples time or affection. My mind has gone straight into defence mode where I'm having all these thoughts on how I am a burden to my family, how I’m just a pass time to the guy I’m seeing, how its silly of me to think someone would actually like me for who I am and not just for my body and sex. I feel like an insecure psycho and I'm seldom either of those things anymore. When I was with my ex I was an insecure psycho because of his lies, his inability to keep his dick in his pants and his need for attention from any girl he came across. I haven't felt like an insecure psycho since then, until now. My mind is racing with self doubt and self hatred. I'm not enough, I'm going to be left, I'm easy to toss aside, no-one really cares for or values me and once they get bored they'll up and leave without a word.

I'm scared of getting close to people incase they leave but I want to be open and vulnerable in life so I have no regrets. It's a constant battle within my mind, especially at times like these.

It's frustrating because feeling this way will make me act aloof and off which will push the ones I care about away because they don't know whats currently going through my mind, and I'm too afraid to tell them because whenever I express my emotions they've always been brushed off. I've always been told to stop being so stupid and I guess really, I should take that advice now because I am being stupid, these feelings are stupid but they are also very, very real to me and I don't know how to move forward right now. I need reassurance and validation but I don't want pity or sympathy or attention, I just want to cry and to be held for a little while, but that's not going to happen.

Depression sucks.

2 comments

  1. Depression can sometimes arise from a result of trauma. It seems to me that this dream has really affected you and has made its way into your conscious mind. It's maybe best to write it down and unpack it properly, like you've done in this post, might help you realise where the route of it all is coming from? I hope you're okay, be kind to yourself ✨Marbl☾☽Moon

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is exactly what i've been feeling for the past few days. I'd like to blame it on pms but i knoi know it's not completely aunt flow's fault. Instead of a dream, i feel like i AM living a dream right now. I find myself spacing out and imagining things, dark suicidal things that aren't gonna look pretty in the resume. Aah, depression and anxiety are such good partner in crime when it comes to wrecking apart one's life. Everything you write here is exactly what's in my mind right now. Although i am unable to help, i just want to thank you for describing my current state perfectly. I wish you well.

    ReplyDelete