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Life is really, really good.

Life right now is good. I mean like, it's really really good. I can't remember a time where I've been so happy. 

At the start of the year, I was a mess. My life was messy, my brain was messy and my soul may as well have been a big messy knot with no hope of being undone. 
I had to rebuild my life from scratch, which was one of my New Years resolutions, and it's been h a r d. 

No-one ever tells you about the journey to self discovery and self love because it's far from glamorous. It's days on end in solitude trying to make sense of all the thoughts you've suppressed for so long, it's constantly watching your internal monologue and correcting it as soon as you notice a not-so-nice thought about yourself. It's spending the nights crying, wishing to feel better and 'normal.' It's blowing off friends, family and romantic interests because you need to learn how to prioritise your time and feeling so, so guilty for saying no. It's feeling like you're never going to achieve the outcome you wish but finding that tiny amount of energy deep within your soul to carry on this path because you know, you know, it's going to be fucking fantastic when the hardest bit is over.

My personal breakthrough was falling to my knees in a church letting all of my wants, needs, regrets and sorrows pour out from me. It somehow cleansed me and gave me the forgiveness I needed for myself and those who have wronged me. Since then, everything's been on the up:

I let go of my fear and pursued a relationship with someone who is hand-on-heart the kindest man I have ever met. He treats me with compassion and respect at all times and I'm honestly so grateful for him to be in my life because I've never been treated in such a way by another man.

I let go of all insecurities and applied for a job I knew I'd be good at, I didn't let self-doubt deter me and now I have a job I absolutely love. It's given me chance to grow even more and explore parts of myself I wouldn't/couldn't have before.

I moved back to Wales where I see my family on a regular basis opposed to 2/3 times a year. It's helping me create and maintain stronger relationships and my anxiety has subsided a l o t because I know I am always around people who love and care for me. 

I make a conscious effort in life. Since moving, I have had to make a conscious effort to keep in touch with friends who mean a lot to me which in turn has made me a better friend overall. I've had to learn how to maintain my own personal standards and speak up when somethings not working for me. I've had to learn how to be vulnerable and have embraced it in every sense. 

I am still learning about who I am and who I want to be but right now, I am on a bloody great path. I am becoming the woman I've always wanted to be - the woman I've always known I am but was too scared to embrace. 
My heart is just so, so full of happiness, love and gratitude right now I needed to share it.

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