The Stages of Heartbreak
I’m not sure where to start with this one, all I know is that I’m ready to write it all out. I’ve been free of heartbreak for a while, long enough to have fallen head over heels in love once again even after I swore I wouldn’t.
Heartbreak is a strange topic, most people have experienced it and I don’t think there are many words to express the intensity of it all. We all try different ways to stop the pain, to get over it. For me, my way of dealing with it was to drink a lot after two years of not drinking anything at all, fuck a lot and to cry a lot.
I think there are a few stages on how I dealt with it.
Drink and fuck:
This doesn’t need much explaining really. I sought love from other men which I never received. I woke up with insane hangovers and felt worse than I had the day before. Needless to say, this stage wasn’t exactly worth-while and I could have done without it. That being said, I don’t think I would have reached stage two as quick as I did without experiencing this stage.
I had been depressed throughout all of my heartbreak, I think that’s pretty obvious, but after stage one I think my depression intensified by 1000 and all I wanted to do was lie in bed with the curtains closed wishing I never existed. I cried a fuck load during this time and also made those embarrassing phone calls to my ex which I immediately regretted after hearing the tone of being hung-up on. Somehow from this stage I progressed onto stage 3.
I was depressed, as we’ve just established, and so I had a lot of time to myself. I was only working part-time and so I had 4 out of 7 day to myself, inside my head. Not great at the beginning but I soon realised I needed to learn how to be with myself and my own thoughts. This was when I decided I wouldn’t entertain another man or relationship until I truly loved myself. I fucking despised myself at this point of my life; I thought I was useless and worthless and unloveable. I now know that I’m not, because I spent 4 out of 7 days every week for a year alone with myself and ended up having a jolly ole’ time the majority of it.
Wake up call:
Spending 4 out of 7 days completely alone with my own thoughts was a very good decision, as was deciding not to entertain another man or relationship until I truly loved myself. However, I wouldn’t exactly say it was my saving grace regarding getting over heartbreak. As fake as it sounds, I literally just woke up one day feeling O.K. which was 10 times better than how I’d felt any day before then. I woke up with a lightness in my chest. No heavy weight on my shoulders and the darkness in my mind now a pale grey. I remember waking up and a soft laugh leaving my lips whilst “I don’t love him any more” slid out before I was even conscious of it.
Heartbreak is unfortunately a necessary part of life and I’m grateful for it, to an extent. I’m now in a very loving, stable, healthy relationship with a man I adore (and who adores me too..I hope.) I know I wouldn’t be in this position if I hadn’t have worked on myself, sat with myself and let myself cry out every little thing that’s ever upset me and heartbreak was unfortunately the push I had to do so.