Change

I never liked change, until 2018 forced me to look it square in the eyes and lean into it with love. At first, I resisted. But resistance is useless in the eyes of change, it just makes the process harder.

I spent a lot of 2017-2018 alone in my house with my thoughts. I’ve always been terrified of having so much time to entertain my mind but it’s exactly what I needed. I finally had chance to sit with myself and uncover everything I’d been trying to hide from myself. It was scary, probably one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever done, but by far one of the most rewarding things too.

A lot of things changed in 2018. My depression got worse, my anxiety got slightly better. My mind was back in the state of my 13-year-old self not wanting to exist. I went to a church and let truths pour out of me and down my cheeks under the eyes of God. I sat with my truths and left feeling free.

I moved house, 3 times. I moved to Wales and got a new job. I fell in love again. I lived with my grandparents whom I’d not lived with in a decade. I now live with a man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I travelled to Greece and let other people take the reigns in making decisions - which proved to me quite difficult for me - I changed my hair (and immediately regretted it,) I changed my style and felt more like myself than ever before.

I rebuilt my life by leaning into change. Change happens when it needs to. Change happens when something doesn’t feel right or when there’s a lesson to be learned. Change happens regardless of who you are and where you’re from. Change is a part of life. You can either resist it, or lean into it.

In 2018 I chose to lean into change despite hating it and now, I’m the happiest I’ve been.