It’s been a while since I wrote an introduction on here.
3 years I think? I’ve changed, a lot.
So I’m sure you’re all aware that my name is Arora Casa-Grande-Appleby. A bit of a mouthful, I know. I’m a 23 year old woman living in South Wales, trying to get my Welsh accent back.
I live with my boyfriend, Rowan, 4 cats; Moo, Margaret, Tiny Man and Fria and the dopiest dog ever known, Jazz.
I started this blog because I wanted a place where I didn’t have to censor myself, a place in which I could be 100% authentic and true to myself and my beliefs. It was my way of screaming “Fuck the System” rather than joining an activist group (again.) After 2 years of using this space for those reasons, I realised I had started to write what I thought I should be writing about - what I thought you guys would enjoy. I lost my love for it and so, I stopped. I stopped for a number of reasons, really. I stopped because I was depressed - very, very depressed and even though I don’t believe in censorship, I felt like I didn’t want to taint this sacred space too much with my negativity. I also felt like there was nothing more to say. I felt stagnant and boring and that everyone else could write what I want to say, only better. So I gave up trying.
I lost who I was for a while, I was going through the break up of a 5 year relationship and I felt totally alone. I had lost all of my friends to distance, careers and babies, the same way they lost me to my love of adventure and romance.
It’s hard, rebuilding your life. Everyone makes the journey of self-discovery sound so easy, but it isn’t. You have to unpick every piece of yourself and Marie Kondo that shit. “Does this piece of me spark joy to myself or others?” If Yes, keep it and build on it. If no, accept it and let it flow out of you and back into the universe. It takes time and boy does it get worse before it gets better. You’re literally tearing your own heart out and it’s not like tidying your room, you can’t just put it on hold cause you found something shiny that you thought you’d lost forever. You gotta keep going because otherwise you’ll be swimming around in fragments of yourself and you’ll end up drowning. Too many analogies? What I’m trying to say, is that it’s hard. But it’s worth it.
The thing is, is that I’m not done rebuilding. I had no guidance and so I picked some broken pieces and built on them, blinded by the lie of “these pieces will help me.” Those pieces haven’t served me and it’s time to let them go. It’s time to be vulnerable once more and let my guard down.
I love myself now but I still feel as if that love is somewhat fragile. I thought I loved myself before and then an abusive relationship happened and he stripped me down to my core, took everything away and left me only with self hatred and confusion. I don’t want that to happen again. I’m terrified. I’m terrified of being abandoned and left out in the cold.
I’m rather co-dependant. I try not to be but I feel too much and love too hard and so I get accustomed to things quite quickly. I’d say it’s no longer a toxic trait but I would, wouldn’t I so you’re best off asking Rowan for the honest answer. I don’t think it’s toxic anymore though. I know I’ll survive when and if someone I love leaves me, but it doesn’t make me any less scared. It doesn’t make it better. I suppose it makes me never take for granted what I have and it enables me to express my love as freely as I can at the minute to the ones I love.
I’m bad at expressing love though, I just cry because I get overwhelmed with feelings. I suppressed them for so long as a teenager I think now, whenever I feel something my body jerks into action and is like “Hell No! We are not going another decade without feeling things so here ya go, have ALL of the feelings, oh, and to make up for not crying for 4 years you can just cry ALL THE TIME FOR NO REASON AT ALL NOW ok lol bye.”
That’s part of my rebuilding process I guess, finding a happy medium. I’ve become rather cynical too, I suppose it started as a defence mechanism and now it’s my only mindset. I’ve gotta rip that from the seams soon, too. I don’t want to be negative anymore. I want to see the beauty and magic in the world again. Rowans helped me do that this past year but truth be told he’s rather cynical too so we just have a big bitch and moan to make us feel better. It’s crazy to think how much someone can change in just a few years - even when that person feels stagnant - as though they’re doing the same thing day in and day out. Then they look back 3 years down the line and think “Holy Shit so much has changed.”
I’m going to stop rambling now but I suppose this is what this blog is going to be - full of ramble posts about my life. Showcasing my humanness and trying to navigate through all the highs and lows - hopefully without crying too much.