Arora Appleby

a journal of healing, learning + loving

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Motherhood, ADHD, or both?

Motherhood is hard.

I feel the need to put a disclaimer stating that I love my daughter and she's the best thing to happen to me and I understand that I'm so lucky to be blessed with her and that I would go to the ends of the earth for her and if she ever asked me to help her hide a body I'd put all my true crime knowledge to use and try to get away with it but even if we didn't I'd take the fall for her so all that being said, motherhood is hard.

Everyone warns you about the exhaustion, they tell you "You don't know tiredness until you have a baby" and "Get used to never sleeping again"  I wish I could tell you anecdotes of funny things that me and Rowan have done whilst sleep deprived but funnily enough, I don't remember them because of the sleep deprivation, but the sleep deprivation wasn't and isn't the exhausting part for me. It's the mental exhaustion, it's the constant lookout for potential dangers like is the dog licking her hands? oh yes he has best go wash her hand before she puts it in her mouth, oh she's learning to roll now I can't leave her on the poofy in case she rolls off, is she breathing? did I put 6 or 7 scoops of formula in? I can't remember, so I best tip it all out, wash sterilise, and make it up again just in case. Is she too warm? too cold? is the sun in her face? is she teething or an infection? is she sunburnt or just has rosy cheeks? Am I doing enough, why do I want to sit with a hot coffee I should enjoy being with my baby every second of the day and never want a slight break from her, is that sleepsuit too big or too small are her toes squished? is her dummy clean? am I allowed to wipe it with a Milton wipe and give it to her? it says you can on the packet so I'll do that, why won't she keep her head turned when she's asleep, she has a flat head people will think I neglect her, is this bath water too hot or too cold is her bottle too hot or too cold I hate having freezing hands constantly because I can never tell the correct temperature the way people tell you you should, is that dog hair in her mouth? is her nappy too small or am I doing it wrong? should i have tried to breastfeed more? do I have sick on me, does she have sick on her? why is she making that noise, is she still breathing? can i nip to get changed oh i best not in case she cries and it traumatises her if I'm not there to console her within a minute. oh shell be okay she won't remember but what if the dog does something ok ill try and get him out of the room without waking her up.. oh fuck she's awake and smiling at me she has a beautiful smile but my feet are cold and I've lost my only chance to put socks on now for 3 hours.. is she laid down too much? she hates tummy time on the floor but does it on our chest and knees that will do won't it but how will she learn how to roll properly? ok buy a playpen and a mat, it doesn't fit, ok cut the mat, still doesn't fit but baby is crying and I don't want to cut this £40 play mat that just arrived anymore, fit it in, okay put her in it, sit with her, this playpen was so I could leave her to put socks on safely, what if a cat jumps in or she does her first roll and i miss it but then she smothers herself on the mat because I wanted fucking socks how selfish of me, I'll leave the socks and sit cramped in the playpen.. does she want to sleep, is she tired?? her eyebrows are red I think she's tired, ok get her out onto the poofy, make sure she doesn't roll off even though she can't roll yet because she's not on the floor enough but it'd be just my luck that her first roll is on then off the poofy onto the floor, concussion and social services. ok she's not rolling, how the fuck do I put this playpen down..unlock all the sides and fold ok it's huge and not as easy as it looks.. ahh I didn't unlock that one side that let the entire team down and I nearly broke it. ok, that's away and folded. Put Doggyland on for her, does she have too much screen time? she enjoys it.. is she going to be a tv kid I don't want her to be a tv kid but then that's the generation now anyway just technology and stupid fucking TikTok videos. I still need to sterilise her bottles she has some made up in the fridge but apparently, that's not recommended even though it is on the NHS website.. why don't they just have standard information to give everyone rather than different things depending where you look. need to wash bottles, she's nearly asleep, can't leave her because of the non-existent rolling or the dog, feet still cold, hungry, tired, shall I read my book? I can't really concentrate because I'll be making sure she's safe asleep with one eye, cant be bothered to traipse through Netflix trying to find something to watch.. lets try and write. brain can only think of baby things so writes about baby, worry people think you're complaining about being a mum, debate whether to post. fuck it. check for spelling mistakes. done.

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