Would you rather have loved and lost or to never have loved at all?Sometimes I choose the latter, for if you never knew love, you would ever know what you're missing* But as it stands, we're told fairy tales as children: stories missing the heartbreak and pain, only revealing the happily ever after ending, giving us an unrealistic expectation of an everlasting love. And so, we look for it. We look, we love, and then, for many of us, we loose and wonder that's wrong with us because e v e r y o n e ** else seems to have it and are able to hold on to it. But then, after time, we do it all again, for now we have had a taste of the bittersweet thing that is love, we can't seem to give it up no matter how painful it seems to be.
But if I had the choice to love and to loose or to never love at all,
I can survive without romantic love, but I couldn't live a day without love in general.
*a lot of hurt and tears in my experience
**fictional characters in books, tv shows and movies
***the only time she actually tolerates me (I wish I were joking)
Would you rather have loved and lost or to never have loved at all?
The funny thing about death is the permanency of it. Even if it's not the end for you* which I believe it's not it is the end for the slab of meat that's carried 'you' around since you were born (aka your body.) Your fingers will never turn the pages of your favourite book again, you'll never know the ending of that film you fell asleep to, your coat will be left unworn and your plants left unwatered. Your favourite smell, song, book and film will live on once you're gone, but everything that was 'yours' will become stagnant. That's the terrifying part, no matter what happens after death, your life as you knew it - as everyone knew it - will end, for good.
Are you scared of dying?
Everyone leaves, everyone cheats, no one wants my love. Maybe I can't do it right - maybe I'm too hard to love?
I wrote that not too long ago, one late rainy evening whilst I couldn't sleep. Upon reflection, all I can think is "Fuck No! I'm not too hard to love at all." In fact, I think I'm one of the easiest people to love. All you have to do is treat me like a human being and show me respect - that's literally it.That is the foundation on how to love me, just treat me with some fucking respect and kindness.
Basically, just be a decent considerate human being who treats not only me but everyone you meet, with kindness and respect. If you can't handle that, the problem doesn't lie with me. I'm not hard to love, you're probably just a dickhead.
Have you ever felt hard to love?
I wrote an entire post on my April and Spring goals, added the links and pretty much finished it but I felt it was a little half-assed so I've decided to write it all again.
I hate writing goal posts, no, I hate making goals. I hate making goals because I'm never fully invested in achieving them, it's like I think " Meh, if I achieve that this month that'd be cool but if not it's cool" then I take ages to complete anything so this time around I'm going to just ramble and hope that some shit I want to achieve this month comes out.
To me, Spring is all about re-birth and growth. I have lost myself these past few years but I feel like I'm really coming into my own recently - I'm falling in love with my life and myself which is such an ethereal feeling. I'm learning to embrace every part of my being - changing the things that I can and accepting the things I can't. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new shit I think I'll enjoy.
This Spring I aim to bring balance into my life: I have a new job, I'm writing a hell of a lot more, I'm seeing my friends more and doing loads of cool new things. These things are all great and I LOVE it but I've neglected time to myself, to recharge and relax. Recharging has always been a crucial factor in my day-to-day life because people drain me SO much - I think I read somewhere that when we socialize our serotonin gets used up and we have to take the time to build that back up, I'm not sure if it's true but it makes sense. Anyway. I need to balance having a lively life and still make time for myself to actually just enjoy a brew whilst binge watching Netflix without feeling guilty about it.
I also want start to build healthy habits, I'm no stranger to exercise, I used to be the fastest sprinter in my school, I played in a football team and a Netball team when I was younger but then I started drinking and smoking and it sort of went downhill from there. Then I started doing 200 squats a day for a year and felt that was enough exercise to keep me fit but it obviously wouldn't so I started pole dancing. I love pole dancing but I stopped doing it after a while, I'm not too sure why - laziness I guess. But I went back Monday just gone and I absolutely LOVED it like don't get me wrong, the warm up is a fucking killer but boy did I feel super when I got back on the pole and shocked my muscle memory into action. I want to continue going every week and maybe go swimming in the weekdays too.
The main thing I want to achieve though is creating and maintaining a healthy bedtime. I hate that I usually can't sleep until 2am and wake up at 6am or 7 at a push so I'm going to try my hardest to start winding down at 8pm with a brew and a book and if all goes to plan, be asleep by 9pm. I'm not sure how realistic this is but a gal can try...right?
As for goals for April, I'm loving my setup right now, I just want to continue writing in my poetry books and creating posts out of them, I want to start editing some old poems, I want to attend pub quizzes, go dine at the cat cafe and I want to keep learning and reading and growing as a beautiful human being. I want to truly embrace myself and be as open and authentic as humanly possible this month regardless of how terrifying it is.
What are your goals for April?
It's hard to remember that society is the broken one and not me. But it's true.
We are all human beings: our atoms collected in a certain, precise sequence for a reason - you are 'you' on purpose. Even outside of our aesthetic I believe everything happens for a reason, and therefore, everything that has molded you into who you are today was no accident. But this is hard to remember when you're questioning your beliefs and wishing for blissful ignorance. It's hard to remember when you wish you could tell yourself "think of the money" when you're dreading going to work, or when you wish you didn't believe people shouldn't work for bits of meaningless paper to pay for our basic human rights.
It's hard to remember that society is the broken one and not me. But it's true.
Some days, I wish that I didn't care, that I wasn't aware of all the damaging social constructs floating around our earth, infecting delicate minds into believing they're not good enough as they are. But I am aware and I do care, so all I can do is to keep reminding myself, and you, that it's okay. It's okay to care, it's okay to feel too much, it's okay to go against the grain and to break the 'rules' that society has created as long as I'm acting in alignment with my soul. Deep down we all know and feel what is right and what makes us happy, so as long as I do that instead of what society tells me I should be doing, I know I will live an enchanting life that I am proud of.
What's one thing society has made you feel insecure about?
I've not posted frequently in a while, since January actually, and I'm not too sure why.
I was meant to have the whole no technology month in February which went complete tits up so I didn't post anything on here or on Instagram, then March rolled around and I still haven't really posted anything.
I've not been feeling great these past few months - I started the year on a high, it was going to be MY year, and it still is, just these past few months I've felt anxious and bored and just.. not interesting at all. Don't get me wrong, these past few months have been great externally: I've been hanging out with more friends, seeing and doing more cool shit, reading more books etc. so life hasn't been boring per say, just internally, I, myself, have felt boring and like an uninteresting person even though I'm deffo not that boring. I guess that's the main reason I haven't massively posted anything: I don't think there's anything worth saying - like anything I write is just pointless because I'm a piece of trash and have nothing interesting to say. I don't know, it's a weird one.
I start work tomorrow, I decided to get a part-time 'conventional' job alongside this writing malarky cause I've missed structure and routine in my life - I also miss the social aspect of work cause if I have a bad day I'm still forced to interact with people in opposed to working from home 24/7 where I can curl up in bed and ignore everyone if things get too much. I'm super nervous about starting tomorrow, I know it'll be okay once I'm there but the thought of turning up for my first day not knowing anyone or anything is really fucking daunting so wish me luck!
I'm going to wales next week so I'm going to try and vlog and actually post it for next Sunday because believe it or not, I film every day for vlogs but because I have to transfer everything to a separate laptop to edit it etc it gets too much sometimes and I give up. So hopefully I'll have some good footage for you all in wales and then when I'm back the fair is in town so I'll deffo be going to that to eat my weight in candyfloss and to get some generic ideas for poems which will probably contain the phrase(s) "fun house" and "candyfloss kisses" cause what poem inspired by funfairs doesn't have phrases like those?!
This feels like a really negative post so I'm going to leave it there but I'm going to switch shit up a bit I think, I'll probably start posting regularly (Monday, Wednesday & Friday) in April but it won't be set themes like it has been so get ready for more fun filled content and not just 'deep' shit about the universe and stuff lol.
*all the thumbs up emojis*