The night I wish I could forget: SRSummerSchool

03/09/2017

The night I wish I could forget SRSummerSchool


I've uhmmed and ahhed over posting this as I've never been that good at writing fiction but seeing as it was my final piece for Laura's SRSummerSchool (aka the best writing course ever.) I thought I'd suck it up and share it with y'all..


     I have no choice but to ring an ambulance, a pool of blood is forming on the gravel as I try to put pressure on the wound. She pushes me away crying,
“He wouldn’t do this - he didn’t!....Did he?” She tries to stand but falls to her knees. Her cries become wails and I don’t have to say a word because she looks deep into my soul and finds the answer she’s trying so desperately to deny.
*
     As soon as we walked through those large oak doors, we were greeted with wide eyes, gurning gums, and glasses full to the brim of vodka to which we each eagerly accepted and finished before we had even sat down. I thought to myself, “Trust me to walk into a flat full of Welsh people,” as everyone introduced themselves in their thick accents. I didn’t feel comfortable there, but something told me to stay, so I did.
The music was so loud it pulsed through my veins and the laughter so pure you’d never have guessed every single person in that flat was broken in one way or another. We danced to the house music that was pumping, I could see the pixels in the air which turned into little twinkling stars. As I twirled, dipped and jived, I saw rainbow blurs and fell on to the laminate floor in laughter with my friend Delilah. 
“This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time!” I thought as I watched the transparent poison pour into my overused glass, the phrase ‘the glass is always half full’ took on a whole new meaning that night.

     “Let’s play dares!” a nameless face suggested. I was sat on a large floral arm chair with Delilah, who was a lot larger than myself, perched on my lap, my head rested against her back as I shovelled salt ‘n’ vinegar sticks into my dehydrated mouth.
“I dare you..” my face vibrated off her back as she spoke, her eyes shifted towards the tall, blonde muscle man named Dom “..to run down the street naked.” She finished, a soft giggle left her lips but was stopped abruptly as Dom replied with a stern “No.” His eyes looked dark despite being a piercing blue.
“Give me something hard,” he barked.
Delilah’s eyes shifted left to right scanning his face “Fine,” her lips curled into a smug smile. 
“I dare you to HURT me,” her smile grew bigger because she knew he would never do such a thing, after all, he loved her.
     His eyes widened and within a second he was stood in front of her - us - and without hesitation, he wrapped his large tanned hands around her unknowing neck and squeezed hard.
It took me a minute to realise what was happening and I was stuck under her weight, unable to do anything. I looked into his eyes and saw undeniable enjoyment. I guess that’s what happens when a paranoid schizophrenic is dared to "hurt" you. 
     He squeezed until her body became limp and lifeless. She fell off of my lap and he stood there looking completely satisfied with what he had just done as I tried to stop her from falling. I couldn’t hold her weight. 
     She fell and smacked her head on the kitchen worktop at first, then the drawer handle until finally, she met the cold, hard, marble tiles with a thunderous crack. I sat, unable to breathe, trying to make sense of what I had just witnessed but I couldn’t..I still can’t.
I glanced at Dom who was now stood by the large bay window, sun rays illuminated his skin giving him a soft glow which made my sensitive eyes squint.
“What the fuck have you done?!” I snarled, and darted my eyes around the room at all of the other blank faces. I looked into each of their eyes and saw terror consuming their souls.

*

     DRIP. DRIP. D R I P. I watched Delilahs’s blood splash on the tiles in slow motion as though it was a scene from a well-produced horror movie. I lifted her limp arm and checked for her pulse.
“She’s not breathing! Dom?! Do something!” I pleaded with silent faces, still holding Delilah's arm. 
“Stop getting blood on my kitchen!” Dom bellowed as he paced back and forth glaring at me but he stopped as Delilah rolled slowly onto her back. Her body started violently shaking, and foam slightly escaped her dry, cracked lips. I quickly moved away to give her some space and we all inhaled, not knowing what was happening or what would happen next.

     Finally, after what felt like forever, she stoped, still. We all watched in anticipation, until she sat up and took a large gasp of air, her eyes were still rolling back into her head which was absolutely harrowing. She comes to and we all released an echoing sigh of relief. Lifting her right hand up to her blood stained face she turned to meet my uneasy gaze.
“Laur? Why’s my face wet?” She tried to stand, her hand still clutched the gaping wound which was carved into her head.
“He hurt you,” I blurted “We need to go now.” I tried to usher her out of the room but she stopped and looked around, trying to find Dom with her eyes. I pulled her towards the bathroom. 
“He’s got a knife! You need to leave NOW!” someone screamed at us as they pushed past to get out. I leant her against the off-white wall as I tried to grab anything I could from the bathroom: wet wipes, tissue, and water. 
“We have to go now, Dee.” I told her, my voice cracked as I tried to pull her through the door into the car park.

I really hope you enjoyed reading, any feedback would be more than welcome!

What do you prefer writing?

'Her' - an excerpt from my poetry book

02/09/2017

'Her' - an excerpt from my poetry book


If you don't already know, I'm going to be publishing a poetry zine made up of 20 poems. It tells the story of love and heartbreak like any cliché poetry book but these poems are unedited from when I wrote them, many of which were wrote whilst sat by the sea crying - but they're not all sad, I promise! Some are from 2012 and some are newer - the zine will only cost £5.00 including postage but I've not set any of that up yet so I hope you'll want to have a read! To give y'all a little taster, here's a poem called 'Her'

Twisted bodies
rest
in a sea of lies.
Back and forth
the sea kisses the shore
and you're kissing the spaces
between her milky collarbones
pouring your love
(that you promised would be forever mine) 
into her 
as she wraps her ivory legs 
around your waist
holding you closer than
I will ever be
to you
again.
- Her. Arora Appleby

Any feedback would be much appreciated! 


August reflections & September goals

01/09/2017

August reflections & September goals


This is totally stolen from the glorious Laura. Each month she does her monthly reflections and the way she does it has me all heart-eyes-emoji so I'm not only going to do it as my first page in my brand spankin' new diary, but share it on here with you guys as well. Check Lauras instagram for a photo of how she presents it in her own diary.

Monthly reflections: August 2017.


Looking back over August I am:

PROUD OF: 

♡ Finally getting help with my Mental Health and starting therapy
♡ Finishing 3 books (the only books I've read this year, whoops!)
♡ Not spending all my money before the end of the month


GRATEFUL FOR:
♡ A supportive family and supportive work place
♡ Being asked to be bridesmaid at my cousins wedding & being apart of her wonderful day
♡ The Dumbo teddy, Poison Apple Mug & Mustard Coat Shane bought as a present for me


LETTING GO OF:
♡ Old friends that no longer serve me in my present or future life
♡ All ill feeling towards people who have wronged me
♡ My consumer mindset.


August reflections & September goals

Looking forward: September 2017.


Looking forward towards September I am looking after my:

MIND:
♡ Declutter my room & only keep things that ~bring me joy~
♡ Continue with therapy and put my all into the exercises
♡ Start meditating daily (even if it's for only 5 minutes!)


HEART:
♡ Write in my diary each night so I don't forget even the most mundane of memories
♡ Write a gratitude list each morning
♡ Make a conscious effort to speak to friends and family at least once a week


SOUL:
♡ Start my 30 day self-care/self-love challenge
♡ Start my 30 day writing challenge
♡ Define what I actually enjoy doing & make sure I do at least one thing each day


BODY:
♡ Do 5 minutes of yoga each morning and night
♡ Go for at least a 5 minute walk each day
♡ Drink more water and eat more good stuff (not biscuits, unfortunately)


ACTION STEPS & THOUGHT PROVOKING QUESTIONS:

☽ Clear out wardrobe & put together outfits for A/W. Put away what I don't need.
☽ Create (& stick!) to a budget for the month
☽ Write one gratitude letter/email & send it
☽ Review 2017's goals, are they still a good fit? 

What are your goals for September?


A time-capsule throughout my 22 years

07/08/2017

A time-capsule throughout my 22 years


Instead of doing a '22 things I've learned in 22 years' post to celebrate my birthday that's long gone now - 21st July if you're wondering.. I decided to tell you what would be in my time-capsule if I had added one thing to it each year. Obviously, I can't remember things from 1 year old - 5 years old but I'll try my best to compromise.

01. Emily. I received Emily, my doll, when I was about 5 months old. I still have her although a little worse for wear to this day. I bit off the majority of her fingers when I was about 5 because I was nervous and I fed her mini cheddars when I was about 7 (which my nan had to then scrape out of her mouth when they started going mouldy lol)

02. A birthday card. Okay, a little mundane but I came across a birthday card from my 2nd birthday from relatives that are now no longer here so I'm gunna put that in the time-capsule.

03. A teal knitted cardigan. I can very vaguely remember being stood on my sofa so my grandad could button up my teal cardigan ready to drive me to my aunties because I wanted to stay the night.

04. A little tea set. I think they were white and yellow(?) I used to make my Bamps play with them with me and Emily.

05. Rosie. Okay, Rosie was my dog whom is now dead, so I wouldn't actually put her in the time-capsule but a photo would suffice, probably the one where she's smiling with a Christmas cracker hat around her neck

06. A sea shell from Turkey. It was the first holiday abroad I went on and it was so much fun. We went to the same cafe for Breakfast and the owner quickly learnt my order (egg on toast with a chocolate milkshake, please)

07. A straw from the milkshake ice-cream thing I was gifted. I smacked my head on a breakfast bar in the cafe we went to so they gave me free chocolate milkshake and ice cream. It was great.

08. The biggest bar of Cadburys Dairy Milk ever. It was my birthday and no one wanted any so I ate it all to my self and felt hella sick afterwards

09. Bad Santa DVD. We went to spain and it was the first time I watched the film. Shortly after, my drunk nan got swept away by the sea and then walked into a glass door. Fun times.

10. A pink princess canape for my bed. I was probably younger than 10 but every time my Bamps would go to town, I would go with him and drag him into Claires to which he would buy me a little something

11. Mint areo. My favourite chocolate bar ever. Every other weekend when I saw my Nan and Bamps they would buy me one and omg they're amazing. I had one the other day and it tasted like childhood.

12. K's hoodie & bandana. He was my boyfriend before I got kicked out and his hoodie & bandana were the things I wore on the drive to Bournemouth. They smelt nice, too.

13. Shag bands. Everyone had these. I was a massive emo kid and I had about 1000 shag bands all tied in that cool loop. I gave a black one to my first love ;-))

14. Pentagram necklace. Keeping on brand with my emo aesthetic I had a pentagram necklace that was gifted to me by a boy and it soon became my good luck charm then I lost it right before my GCSE's

15. PS. I love you DVD. It was (and still is) one of my favourite films. My nan showed it to me and my then best friend but she kept saying "ooh watch this bit" over the good parts which made us laugh

16. My fake I.D. Well, it wasn't fake. It was someone elses and it got me into clubs so I could dance the night away. It was great.

17. My EYS certificates. I dropped out of college when I was 16 but started going to EYS which was basically a college for the naughty kids they actually paid us weekly to attend - my tutors were absolutely amazing and a massive part of why I kept going and why I have more belief in myself today.

18. Deano the dinosaur. Instead of going clubbinb for my 18th, I went to the beach with my friends and a few bottles of vodka and ended up buying a giant inflatable yellow dinosaur which gave us endless amounts of fun in the sea.

19. Ticket to spain. Shane and I moved out there for a bit but realised we didn't like it much. It was when we both had the realisation that you can't find happiness from outward sources (shocker!) and it began my ~life long~ journey to self development and actually made me realise writing is what I'm meant to be doing

20. Daffodils. To represent when Shane and I moved to Wales with my Grandparents and got Mr.Cat - my first adult pet. He was the best cat in the entire universe, god rest his soul.

21. A Pinata. I had been telling Shane how much I wanted a pinata on my birthday because I'd never had one before so on my 21st he surprised me with one full of my favourite chocolate and my god I lost about 12 stone trying to bash it open they're so hard!

22. Poetry books. I love to read poetry right now and I love to write it, too. It's been a big influence this past year and will continue to be a big influence for the rest of y life probably. I hope to publish my own collection before I turn 23.

So there we have it, there are so many things I could have included and it was super hard just picking one for each year but I feel these are the most significant of each year.

What would be in your time-capsule?

Being brave and saying what needs to be said

06/08/2017

Being brave and saying what needs to be said


Be brave enough to say exactly what you want to say and when you want to say it. Try to only speak words of truth and compassion, even when it's hard. But in the same breath, don't suppress your own feelings to accommodate others. You never know when it will be too late to say all the things you wish to say, so instead of living with the regret of all the things you didn't say, live with courage and try to be as open and honest with everyone no matter how nerve-wracking for you will feel better for just knowing you have said and done everything that you felt you needed to. How others respond is another story (and not really any of your business as their words and actions reflect their inner selves) 

The things that make me jump for joy

05/08/2017

The things that make me jump for joy


It's probably come to no surprise that I've been feeling a little less-than-happy lately hence the lack of posts but here are some things that have been making me happy lately and that make me happy in general:


family holidays with minimal arguments, sunflowers, record players, vinyls, surprise gifts, finding money, 
listening to people talk about things they love, cats, kittens, animals in general, bettering myself, accepting i'm great in the here and now, writing poetry, reading poetry, making videos, eating chocolate spread and breadsticks, cwtchies, listening to old emo music and have it make me feel happy instead of depressed, fluffy slippers, iced caramel lattes, 
feeling at one within myself, finding a book that just hits the right spot, pretty underwear that makes you feel on fire, realising who your true friends are, seeing people succeed in life, not feeling bitter towards people, watching films wrapped in a duvet, clean bed sheets, sun beams on my face, SRSummerSchool, feeling like i'm good at what I do, 
being comfortable within my own skin, choosing to get help with mental illness, 3am wake up calls from my cat trying to sing, people telling me they love me and are proud of me, not needing anyone but myself to tell me those things, 
watching the kittens play with their mumma, spending quality time with my own mumma, oreos dunked in tea, pretty cups,  feeling like 'yeah, life ain't too bad', the colour yellow.


What's been making you happy lately?

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